Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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