Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
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