it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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