i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
