It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Randomize
