apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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