Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
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I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
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how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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