I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
