wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
