My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
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the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
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Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.