I murdered the dance floor call the cops
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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