yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
