I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
