he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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