There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
