I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Randomize
