im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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