I wanna passion pit in your ass
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
