But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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