So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
