I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
she pinky promised me she was 18
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
