I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
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it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
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You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I'm always down for nudity.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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