Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
