Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Randomize
