My liver just broke up with me...
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
