Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Randomize
