I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
