i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
