WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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