When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
