dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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