T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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