I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
