But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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