yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I intend to get homeless drunk
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
