I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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