Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize
