Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
