ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
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Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
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I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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