you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
