Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
