somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
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all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
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He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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