i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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