Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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