I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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