Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
