I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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