remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
