I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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