How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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