I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Randomize
