ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
