Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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