I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
